Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
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Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
just witnessed a drug deal
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
The Sun
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what