me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
You Might Also Like
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”