He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
You Might Also Like
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”