Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.