Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
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I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Found the job I’m suited for
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away