Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
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Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.