@hyperblastchic

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

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@mjkspeaks

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

@markydoodoo

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

@GrumpyyCat

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

@KrunkedRobot

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@Abusitron

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

@ericsshadow

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

@FrazzleMyGimp

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]