a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
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I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I like to wipe real slow now I know the real value of toilet paper
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]