Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
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thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Aight bet
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Happy Thanksgiving
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
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Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
This was the best day of my life