ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
When you’ve simply given up.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I’d hang this in my house.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic