Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
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I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Who knew!
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Last-minute gift idea!
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.