me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
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Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.