me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
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Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.