Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
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Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos