Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
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i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
this post was so formative to me
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
The days of good grammer has went
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My birthstone is kidney
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied