me: the apple never falls far from the tree

friend: is that why its floating

me: yeah gravity is hella weird here

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What behaviour immediately makes u suspicious of someone? 4 me it’s when they extend their cape w/an arm, then obscure the lower face w/it.


My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.


[dinner party]
mario: what’s in this risotto?
me: mushroom, you’re not allergic?
mario: *grows to like 20 feet*


When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”


WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol


Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.


OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.


I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch


“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters


Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know