@TheMichaelRock

Me: The bathroom

Wife: What?

Me: I was about to get off the couch and just wanted to stop you before you asked where I was going.

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@Bob_Janke

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

@JackalAnon

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

@krisv_723

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@sonictyrant

[my first police chase]

me: *into walkie talkie* I’m trailing the perp on foot, Chads Gym on Broadway

suspect: *looks over shoulder* only one person per treadmill

me: *into walkie talkie* sorry Keith i lost him

@stephenjmolloy

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

@jellybnbonanza

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

@JaiWalker

*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
*panics*
OMG WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
thank GOD.

@TheTweetOfGod

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.