People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Me: The bathroom
Me: I was about to get off the couch and just wanted to stop you before you asked where I was going.
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So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[my first police chase]
me: *into walkie talkie* I’m trailing the perp on foot, Chads Gym on Broadway
suspect: *looks over shoulder* only one person per treadmill
me: *into walkie talkie* sorry Keith i lost him
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
I like long walks away from everyone
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
OMG WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.