Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
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I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.