@EllaZee5

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

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@huntigula

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

@KarenGiannina6

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

@VikingBut

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

@siddo471

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

@AbbyHasIssues

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

@shatty48

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

@Reverend_Scott

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

@Stellacopter

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

@Cpin42

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

@Mom_Overboard

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.