BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
B: Welcome aboard
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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Therapist: How are you feeling?
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.