me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
@funTweeters
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?