@PresTightrhymes

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

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@bidenandobama

Biden: we could call it “Real Talk With Joebama”

Obama: do you even know how to make a podcast, Joe?

@ianpauldukes

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

@david8hughes

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

@1halfof2

If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.

@daemonic3

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.