@geowizzacist

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

You Might Also Like

@Darlainky

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

@mrtruthandsoul

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

@WheelTod

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

@junejuly12

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

@realHamOnWry

That crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high.

@AndrewNadeau0

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

@Rich_McCarthy

Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, “what kinda robot does that one turn into?”

@sweetg35

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.????

@FuckabillyRex

I made too much macaroni in a too small pot and I feel like that’s exactly what I look like in the t-shirts that used to fit me.

@thatUPSdude

Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives?

Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.