Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

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{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*


Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!


Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”


Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.


That crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high.


Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.


Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, “what kinda robot does that one turn into?”


I like to test the waters by pushing people in.????


I made too much macaroni in a too small pot and I feel like that’s exactly what I look like in the t-shirts that used to fit me.


Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives?

Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.