*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
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Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?