Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
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Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”