Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
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My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.