Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.


Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president


*talking to mailman*
So are you like, made of mail?
*mailman laughs* “sure, kid”
So that must mean..
*fireman & garbageman walk by*
Holy shi


Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.


random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos

me: do you have any tattoos?

kid: nope

me: so you won’t be in hell?

kid: nope

me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then


every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring his food into his bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz folks


Evil Queen: mirror-
Hand Mirror: what
Evil Queen: mirror-
Hand Mirror: WHAT
Evil Queen: on the wall
Hand Mirror: oh shit sorry




My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.


Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up