Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
You Might Also Like
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I found your tweet-up…
Candles never taste the way they smell
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.