Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
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As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring