ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
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me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast