ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
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*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.