Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”