Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
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West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
the three branches of government
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.