@OfficeofSteve

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

You Might Also Like

@Aspersioncast

So what do you pack for the end of the world? I’m thinking lots of toilet paper, oh and guns to protect my toilet paper.

@stephenjmolloy

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

@kellyoxford

I bet most braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?”

@Dil_Tron

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

@KalvinMacleod

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

@TheAndrewNadeau

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

@notseriouslyamy

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

@TheToddWilliams

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

@jimmytorosian

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!