Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
sry
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
This fish is cracking me up
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.