Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
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*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
water it, i dare you
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.