Me: the eagles won last night

Co worker: oh did you watch the game

Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game

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Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.


Just kidding. He totally threw up.


Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”


Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.


My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”


Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.


The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations


My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime


[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar


Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it