Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
birds and squirrels envy us
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I am having an out of money experience.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.