Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
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vegan witches, happy halloween!
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.