Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
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—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads