Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

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me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster


Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.


God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]


God: you weren’t supposed to see that.


[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no


i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.


Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.


How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive


I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.