Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
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Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.