me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
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I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?