Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.