Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.