HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Wife: Have u done anything today?
Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street
Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk
Her: Go pound sand!
Me: * Seductively looks at sand
Sand: I have a boyfriend
There are days that god should just reach down and snatch my phone out of my hands for the good of everyone.