Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

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I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.


Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.


Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I’m in it


My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.


[leaving the restaurant]
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign


You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.


My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???


We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.