Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about