I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I’m in it
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[leaving the restaurant]
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.