I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
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Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Happy thanksgiving
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.