ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
work smarter, not harder
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”