Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
You Might Also Like
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
crazy
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
accurate
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday