My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
LMAO.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run