ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
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MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Single and childfree like Jesus
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison