A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
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“You know the speed limit here, son?”
“You know how fast you were going?”
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite
[hits it again]
ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.