@ArfMeasures

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

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@ceejoyner

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

@GrantTanaka

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

@ThaJawn

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

@captainkalvis

[hits blunt]

how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite

[hits it again]

ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus

@Parkerlawyer

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

@becks_bradley

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

@Nahdude83

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.