@sonictyrant

ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?

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@infamousone96

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

@schumoo

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

@DanKCharnley

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

@VisionBored1

my parents: your generation is so spoiled

also my parents: I’m going to buy my grandchildren 17 toys for no reason and feed them candy for all their meals when they come to my house

@slimmy_shady

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

@JPLFR80

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

@RachelNoise

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

@Jandalize

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?