ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?

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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.


I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy


[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*


my parents: your generation is so spoiled

also my parents: I’m going to buy my grandchildren 17 toys for no reason and feed them candy for all their meals when they come to my house


Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”


Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list


Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs


Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?