“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
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I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20鈥檚 on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Back in the day, we didn鈥檛 have google just a drunk uncle.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it鈥檚 floating in mid air.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma鈥檃m we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don鈥檛 want it to go to waste
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Where鈥檚 the lie? 馃ぃ馃ぃ
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing鈥od, what is that thing called鈥ther people.
girlfriend: I鈥檒l have the chef鈥檚 salad
me: [whispering] babe that鈥檚 so rude, just order your own
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
ME: Who鈥檚 haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.