me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now