me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.