Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
You Might Also Like
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
peep davidson
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.