Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
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Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
This could’ve been an email.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave