Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
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I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.