Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family



WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny


Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.


wife: How was work?
[flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”]


Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam


The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.


My electric toothbrush ran out of batteries so I had to brush with my acoustic.


Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.


Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me