@bestestname

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

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@Average_Dad1

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

@SteveSuckington

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

@squirrel74wkgn

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

@iwearaonesie

wife: How was work?
[flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”]
me:Good

@TheIronSherk

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

@kumailn

The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.

@clarkekant

My electric toothbrush ran out of batteries so I had to brush with my acoustic.

@CarolineCasey

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

@RachaelvsWorld

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me