Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”

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*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*


If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.


DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*


Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.


The Catholic Church is selling bath bombs!
*puts Jesus Christ limited edition bath bomb into water*
*water turns into wine*
Thank u Jesus


When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.


Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.


me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay


The date had been magic.
We moved to her couch & kissed.
That’s when horror struck as my eyes locked on the Duck Dynasty DVDs on her shelf.