@KielyHealey

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

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@NurseSeymour

Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She’s a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.

@L8yK8y

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

@_RealBlondeGirl

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

@Kirangandhi

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

@TheBeerGuy73

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

@2tickytacky

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

@KiaraJeanine

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

@nottheworstmom

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

@Slyvally

“if you slap kirby, does he jiggle?”

if you slap kirby, you die

@MUMSIEesq

Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them