Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

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I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.


I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?


Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set


My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.


Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.


Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.


If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.


“if you slap kirby, does he jiggle?”

if you slap kirby, you die


Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them